Once was lost, but now am found

I didn’t actually grow up in a nice loving family though outwardly it may seemed like it.

Had a distorted personality. Had emotional struggle. Had identity crises. Felt unloved. Felt lonely. Craved for attention. Didn’t feel belong. Had broken relationships with people around me.

Only when I almost ended my degree, I began to experience God’s love. A love that had been there all along and I never did realise. A love that had been there waiting for me to experience it.

I remember very vividly that it was this one night, I was in an emotional pit hole, I fell to my knee and cried hysterically. My eyes were filled to the brim with tears. Tears raced down my cheeks. I covered my face with shaking hands not knowing the very reason why I cried. I knew I needed help but wasn’t sure where to go to to seek for help. I had no one I could trust to turn to for help. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I had God whom I could always call to. I felt in my spirit to call upon the name of Jesus. With the little strength that I had left, I started calling ‘Jesus’ in a still small voice. Then I felt a surge of strength filling my spirit, prompting me to call upon His name another time. So, I did, with greater volume and energy. Similarly, that strength that had filled me after the first call I made, came running through my spirit and I was prompted again to call upon the name of Jesus the third time. With no hesitation and with all my might and strength, I called upon the name of Jesus. I said “Jesus! Help me!” At that instance, tears flowed down my cheeks even more but it no longer was because of my emotional struggle, but it was freedom and love that I had experienced. Freedom and love that I had never actually experienced it before. I felt a burden had been lifted up and carried away. I felt a love that I had never gotten elsewhere or from anyone else. I knew it was the love of God. After so long, I began to understand what freedom is all about, what living in freedom is all about. Also, what it is like to feel love and being loved. It felt like there was a loving father holding and hugging his daughter to comfort her and to calm her down. Ever since then, falling into an emotional pit hole isn’t something that happened so easily to me anymore. Overcoming it is definitely way easier as compared to before because I now have the love of God in me.

It doesn’t mean I no longer feel emotional about things anymore, but through that experience, I am always reminded of His love and mercy. Despite my weaknesses and imperfections, God was always there chasing after me, fighting for me and I was the one who didn’t notice or realise it.

I am currently struggling with jealousy and wanting to feel so much more belonged to a society or community. I must say it is tough to go through this struggle alone again. I don’t know who I can turn to for help, not sure who I can talk to about this. But, as I have mentioned before this, I am still able to face it because I had experienced the love of Christ that is greater than anything else I can get from earth. When will I get over this struggle I do not know. Will I ever open up to someone about this I do not know. But I am still counting and depending on God daily to help me overcome this negative feeling so that I can be so much stronger than before.

This morning, I was just listening to a playlist of christian songs and one of them was this song. It reminded me again of how I am being loved by God and His love for me is everlasting. I then asked myself why I needed to feel jealous when I had all that I ever wanted from Him. When He had provided me with everything that I ever wanted and needed. He had blessed me and trusted me with things that I never thought I could do. So why should I still not be contented with what I have and have resentment towards others who are getting the attention and care? I am glad this song was in the playlist. It got me to set my focus right again and fix my eyes on him and not men. I hope this song lyrics will be able to encourage you who is reading this blog post of mine.

God bless.

RECKLESS LOVE – BETHEL

Verse 1:

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Chorus:

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Verse 2:

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

Bridge:

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

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